Guilt

Guilt is one of the most common things people carry into counselling, and one of the least often named. It rides alongside almost everything else I work with.

It rarely announces itself as guilt. It arrives as broken sleep, dread, the loss of spontaneity, and a quiet conviction that something should have been done differently.

What people tell me

If any of those is familiar, that is enough of a reason to talk to someone.

The hope for a better past

Irvin Yalom made the point that, sooner or later, we have to give up the hope for a better past. It is a hard thing to hear when the past is what keeps you awake. It is also where the way out begins.

Guilt and shame

The way I see it, shame is what we feel in relation to other people. Guilt needs no one else. We carry it perfectly well on our own, long after everyone else has forgotten.

Where it comes from

It is everywhere. Guilt is provoked by rules and teachings, by authority, by human fallibility, by mistakes and imperfection, and by beliefs handed down through the generations. It is imposed through entitlement and expectation. Underneath much of it sits a rigid rule book of mutual obligations, far too strenuous for anyone to meet: a toxic ledger of what is owed to other people.

How it can begin

For many people it starts in childhood. Some children learn early that holding a different view is disrespectful, or a sign of ingratitude. To fit in, they pretend. They learn to live a less honest life out of fear of judgement, and on the rare occasion they voice a real need that goes against what is expected, they are made to feel that disagreement or anger and love or gratitude cannot exist together. They can.

Children raised like this often grow up carrying a burden of guilt. They find it hard to become fully themselves, or to express themselves freely, and much of their energy goes into keeping other people's approval.

The parents who did this had parents who did the same to them. This is not about blame. It is about understanding the pattern, so that it can end.

Guilt is not the enemy

Guilt is not an evil emotion. It serves a purpose, and when it is understood, our capacity for it can motivate good choices, prompt change and act as a moral guide.

The trouble starts when it stops guiding and starts ruling. Once a predisposition to guilt has taken hold, it robs good people of their joy, of a free life, and of the capacity to forgive themselves — which, in a complex world full of imperfection, is a crucial skill to learn.

The opposite is far more serious: little or no capacity for guilt in someone close to you. That is something I meet in my work with abusive relationships.

Where it rides alongside

Guilt tends to travel with the other things people bring me:

• Addiction in the family — how families responded in their desperation
• Depression — how it affects the people we live with and love
• Anger — how we behaved in the past, or continue to
• Crisis and trauma — the effect on those around us, and needing their time, love and care
• Life transition — choices in the past, or changes going forward
• Divorce — the children
• Gambling — the lost money, the lies, the waste
• Students — mistakes, struggles, and feeling they are letting their parents down
• Young people — a difficult relationship with the parents who provide for them
• Disability — the help needed from other people

Moving beyond it

In my work I touch on all of these, and help people move beyond guilt and empower themselves in ways they had not thought possible. In my experience, moving on from guilt is not as hard as most people imagine.

Living under the weight of it is what I call ‘back foot living’, and many of the people I have worked with have been relieved of it. It is immensely liberating, and it clears the way for a more present and participatory life.

Getting in touch

Send me a message by email, WhatsApp or the contact form. You do not have to know exactly what you did or did not do, or whether it counts as guilt at all. “I can't stop thinking about something” is enough to start with.

Talking commits you to nothing — not a course of sessions, and not having to explain or defend anything before you are ready. The practical details are on the FAQ page.

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