Integrated LifeCounselling & Therapy

What is REBT, and Where Does It Fit?

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, or REBT, is the most practical part of how I work. It is not a standalone method, and I never use it on its own. It is one part of a broader approach, the part that often turns understanding into something you can actually do.

A helpful way to picture it is through three questions that run through any counselling. Why does this matter to you, and what does it mean for your life? What is actually happening, inside you and around you? And how do you begin to change it? The humanistic, person-centred and existential side of my work speaks mostly to the why and the what. REBT, Stoicism and interpersonal work often form an implementable part of the how.

What REBT is

REBT was developed by the American psychologist Albert Ellis in the 1950s, and it was one of the first of the cognitive behavioural therapies. Its central idea is an old one. Nearly two thousand years ago the Stoic philosopher Epictetus taught that we are disturbed less by events than by the views we take of them. Ellis turned that idea into a practical way of working.

The point is not that events don’t matter. Loss, rejection and unfairness are real, and they hurt. But two people can go through the same event and come out of it very differently, and much of that difference lies in what each of them believes about it.

The ABC of it

REBT uses a simple framework to look at a difficult moment:

Most of us assume that A causes C directly. REBT invites you to look at B, because that is where there is room to change. The work then continues with D, gently questioning those beliefs, and E, finding a more flexible and effective way of seeing things: “I would like a reply, and it is disappointing not to get one. It doesn’t mean I don’t matter.”

Rigid demands and flexible preferences

Ellis noticed that much of our distress comes from turning what we want into rigid demands: the “musts”, “shoulds” and “have tos”. “I must succeed.” “People should treat me fairly.” “Life has to be easier than this.” Those demands tend to bring three companions with them: thinking that something is awful rather than bad, feeling that you can’t stand it when in fact you are standing it, and judging your whole self, or someone else’s, on the strength of one action.

REBT doesn’t ask you to stop wanting things, or to pretend that you don’t care. It helps you hold your wishes as strong preferences rather than absolute demands. That small shift can change a great deal: from anxiety towards concern, from rage towards annoyance, from guilt towards remorse. The feelings don’t disappear, and they don’t need to. Sadness after a loss is healthy. They become feelings you can live with and act on, rather than ones that overwhelm you.

Rational and irrational thoughts

Another area where REBT can be useful is in understanding the connection between irrational thoughts and emotions, how we act on those irrational conclusions, and how to find rational alternatives and choices.

An example from my own life. When I returned home after five months in hospital, following the flying accident that led to limb loss and a prosthetic leg, my self-esteem and confidence were shattered. I remember getting out of the car, still weak and unsteady on crutches, and making my way cautiously towards the front door. My neighbour was in his driveway across the road. I greeted him, but he ignored me completely, got into his car and drove off. No hello, no wave, nothing. I was devastated, and became extremely emotional in the moment.

Here is how REBT could have helped in that situation:

As it turned out, he simply had not seen me; he was indeed preoccupied. Almost twenty years later, we are still neighbours and good friends.

In truth, I was in a bad space at the time. My whole world had just shifted, my identity was crushed, and I was extremely fragile and sensitive to any perceived judgement. I can see that clearly now, but it took many months, even years, to find my true being again. During that time I started using REBT to help me see things more clearly, for what they are. To this day I find it a useful skill, as do many of my clients.

There is the strict, original Albert Ellis version of REBT, and there is a personalised version, which I help my clients to find for themselves, just as I did in the example above. On its own I find its value too limited, but integrated with the humanistic, existential and interpersonal work, it becomes a powerful skill.

Acceptance at its heart

One part of REBT is often overlooked. Ellis believed in unconditional acceptance: of yourself, as a fallible human being whose worth does not rise and fall with each success or failure; of other people, even when you dislike what they do; and of life, including the parts you cannot change. This is where REBT meets the humanistic side of my work. Carl Rogers spoke of unconditional positive regard in the relationship; Ellis turned something very similar into a practice you can learn to offer yourself.

How it fits with everything else

On its own, REBT can feel like a set of techniques. Within a wider approach, it becomes something more useful. The relationship between us, described on my Approach page, is what makes it safe to look honestly at what you believe. The existential questions, about meaning, freedom, responsibility and what matters to you, give the work its direction. REBT then offers practical ways to move in that direction, day by day.

It also works the other way. A belief such as “I must never let anyone down” often turns out to have a history, a family, and a meaning of its own. Understanding where it came from, and what it has been protecting, is part of the humanistic and existential work. Loosening its grip, in everyday situations, is where REBT helps.

Not every session uses it. When someone is grieving, in crisis, or carrying trauma, the first need is usually to be heard, and to feel safe, not to examine their thinking. REBT comes in when it serves you, and always at a pace you choose.

What it looks like in practice

Where it often helps

REBT can be particularly useful with anxiety and stress, anger, guilt, self-esteem, procrastination and perfectionism, and the patterns that keep relationships stuck. In addiction recovery it can help with the beliefs that drive cravings and relapse, such as “I can’t cope without it” or “one won’t matter”.

If you would like to read more

There is more about Albert Ellis, and the other thinkers I draw on, on The Thinkers Behind My Work. His own books are very readable, among them A Guide to Rational Living (with Robert Harper) and How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything.

Getting in touch

If you would like to talk about whether this way of working could help you, you are welcome to send me a message.

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