Guidance for Young People and Students

Being young is not simple. School or university, family, friends, money, the future, and a phone that never switches off, all at once. Most young people manage it while looking as though they are fine.

This page describes what young people and students bring to counselling, and how I can help. It is not a list of tips. What helps is different for each person, and finding out what it is, is what the conversation is for.

What young people and students tell me

Some of the things I hear most often:

How I can help

Counselling gives you somewhere to say what is really going on, to someone who is listening and not trying to fix you. Over time we work out what is underneath it, what it is doing for you, and what you want instead. Below are the struggles I see most, and what the work can look like for each.

Feeling misunderstood, and tension at home

Many young people feel that the people closest to them don’t understand them, and some carry a quiet feeling of being a disappointment to their parents. Many families find themselves arguing about the same things again and again. Behind it there is often love on both sides, and a good deal of pressure, expectation and worry that neither side knows how to say.

In counselling you can say what you actually think and feel, without it being reported back or argued with. We look at what is happening between you and your family, what each of you may be trying to say, and what you want the relationship to be. Sometimes that includes working out how to talk to your parents, and sometimes it includes involving them, but only when you are ready, and never without you agreeing to it. The choice will always be yours.

Exam stress, study habits and time

Exam pressure brings the fear of failing, of disappointing people, and of what comes next. For many students the real struggle is not knowing how to study, how to plan their time, or how to start and finish, and some feel that they have to work twice as hard as everyone around them just to keep up. Procrastination adds shame on top of it. Procrastination is almost never laziness. More often it is a way of avoiding a feeling.

We look at what the pressure means to you and where it comes from. Where it helps, we also sit down with the practical side, such as how you study and how you use your time, and build a structure that fits the way you actually work.

Sleep, screens and social media

Sleep is often the first casualty of anxiety. Late nights, a phone that is always on, comparing yourself with everyone else’s online life, gaming or scrolling to escape a feeling: these are common, and for some young people they quietly take over.

Counselling helps you notice what the screen or the late night is doing for you, what it is helping you avoid, and how it affects your mood, your sleep and your studies. We work from there, at your pace, without lecturing.

Alcohol, cannabis, gambling and other ways of coping

Experimenting is common at this age, and it often starts as fun, not only as a way of coping. For some young people, alcohol, cannabis, vaping or online gambling becomes a way of coping with nerves, sadness, boredom or pressure, and slowly starts to take more than it gives. Online gambling in particular is rarely mentioned until late.

Problems with food, and with self-harm, can start in a similar way, as a way of coping with feelings that are hard to hold. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, please see the helplines at the bottom of this page, or tell someone you trust.

I work with substance use, other compulsive behaviours, and struggles around food and self-harm, without fear, guilt or judgement. We look honestly at what is happening, what it is doing for you, and what you want, and we decide together on the best way forward. Where a doctor or more intensive treatment would help, I will say so. There is more on the Addiction and Dual Diagnosis and Online Gambling pages.

Belonging, identity and relationships

Starting at a new school or university can make everyone else look as though they arrived knowing how to do this. Many young people feel that they don’t fit in, that they are always the one reaching out, that other young people have more than they do, whether it is money, friends or confidence, or that they don’t yet know who they are. Making conversation can feel hard, and it is easy to feel lonely even when surrounded by people. First relationships and breakups can touch the same question: am I enough?

Counselling is a place to think about who you are and who you want to become, and to make sense of loneliness, self-doubt and heartbreak. There is more on the Self-Esteem, Self-Awareness and Identity and Loneliness pages.

Understanding your limits, and growing resilience

Many young people believe they should be able to cope with everything, and judge themselves harshly when they can’t. Others push on until they hit a wall. Learning where your own limits are, and how to recover when something knocks you down, is a large part of growing up.

In counselling we explore your limits: what tends to push you past them, how you notice, and how you have come through hard things before. Resilience is not toughness, and it is not pretending. It grows as you understand yourself better and find that you can feel something painful and still carry on, and having someone alongside you helps that happen.

How I work with young people and students

Young people can tell very quickly whether an adult is genuinely listening, or just trying to fix them. I don’t lecture, and I don’t take sides. The work is honest and respectful, and it is yours: what we talk about, and where we go, is decided with you.

What you tell me is private. I don’t report back on sessions, and I don’t discuss what is said with anyone without your agreement. The limits are the usual ones, and they are set out on the FAQ page. I see scholars from the age of 16, as well as students and young adults. If you are under 18, I do need a parent or guardian’s approval before we begin. If that feels like an obstacle for you, please ask me about it.

Sessions are fifty minutes, in person at my practice in Stellenbosch or online by Zoom, in English or Afrikaans. More on the Student Counselling page.

A note to parents

If you are a parent reading this, you may recognise your child in some of it. Sometimes parents reach out for a session first, so that I can understand what is happening and we can decide together on the best way forward. Where it is indicated, I also see parents on their own for guidance, as long as your child is comfortable with it or will benefit from it.

Some parents like to know that their child has someone to check in with when things get difficult. A first session, simply to meet and get to know each other, takes away a big obstacle to finding help later, because it is far easier to ask for help from someone you have already met. Some students see me on and off throughout their time at university, and beyond.

There is an important difference between what is private and what is secret. Your child is entitled to a space of their own, but not to a secret that puts them, or someone else, at risk. I explain how I draw that line on the Help for Youth at Risk page.

Getting in touch

Send me a message by email, WhatsApp or the contact form. Young people and students usually write themselves; parents sometimes write first. Either is fine.

You don’t need to find the right words, and it doesn’t have to feel serious enough first.

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